Knight Gone Rusty
A few months ago I started something I had never done before. An internet relationship. It only last 10 days maybe. But I was hooked by his lovely emails, calls on VIPER and IM’s. I didn’t want him to believe I was something I wasn’t so I wrote him a letter that would explain my life, my dramas and all my Glitches. I had hoped that his professed love would be strong enough to endure this letter of omission and we could sail off into the sunset as geriatric lovers do.
Unfortunately this wasn’t the case. After he received this letter he responded once or twice with “How did you survive” and “I need time to get my head around this”. That was 4 weeks ago! I haven’t heard anything from him. NOTHING! So much for the Knight in Shining Armour, as he described himself. He said; “I’m your Knight in Shining Armour darling”. Yea right. Then the penny dropped.
below is my letter of honesty. So much for honor!
You have been tremendously kind to me ever since we began communicating in Mid March. It was very refreshing and as far as I can tell, you have all the virtues of the type of man I would dream to have in my life. Your kind, considerate, open and you have your life together, plus the bonus of a great sense of chivalry, humour and we have similar interests in many things. You have been able to use your bachelorhood to its fullest, which is wonderful. I don’t know (or need to know) if you had any relationships since your beloved wife passed away or if you just kept your nose to the grindstone and worked while you looked after your daughter as a single father. These things, I do not need to know, as they are in the past and harmless.
I have not dated since my break up with my children’s father, which was in 2008. However, there are a few things from that time to now, that I must tell you, in order for me to sleep at night, as well as going forward with a relationship with you.
I understand that you have mentioned many times that the past is the past and it does not matter to you. That is all well and good. There certainly may be some things that we might not want/need to share, but others that we will. Especially all the good stuff.
However, when the past (my past) is something that may cause a disturbance between the two of us in the here and now, I believe it is essential that you know about it, before you put any more effort into a relationship with me. It may just be that you do not wish to consider me suitable and you are too much of a gentleman and all around nice guy for me to string you along, just to break your heart when you find these things out. Therefore, in an effort to lessen any pain or anger that my present situation is, due to my past and knowing that I may never hear from you again, I shall begin. It breaks my heart to have to tell you any of this, but it would be devastating if you were to find out, after we became madly in love with each other and have you hate me. I just cannot sleep without you knowing. So please continue reading and let the chips fall where they may. This might end up being a short novel. Please be patient.
- You consider me beautiful. Thank you. I believe I used to be beautiful. Both on the inside and outside. However, my image of myself has been corrupted by insults, constant reminders of what I “used to look like 20 years ago and my own judgement of who I have become since my separation (and prior to this). There was a time (sometimes now) where I was very aware of my image and how I looked. I would be at the gym at 5:30 in the morning, the house was ALWAYS tidy, I paid my bills, and all the normal stuff adults do. I was positive in every way and never ever thought that I could fail. When money ran low, I never stressed about it, as I was always confident that I would have a sale just in the nick of time to save the day. My faith in God and myself were unfaltering and this faith was always justified. I reaped what I sowed. Then a dramatic change happened that has been ever-present to this day.
In 2003, my life changed dramatically. The one person that I could confide in, ask advice and felt I needed to prove my worth too, my father, passed away. He went into the hospital with pain in his back and could not walk. His second wife drove him to the local clinic. At first, they thought he just had a few blood clots and transferred him to the local hospital. Upon X-rays and MRI’s, it turned out one of the clots was both outside and within his heart. Because they had already administered blood thinners, they could not operate. My family begged his wife to take him to St. Jude’s, which is where his doctor worked, but she refused and claimed it was too far away for here to travel. It was only 20 minutes away. After a day or so of my father being at this hospital, the results came back that he had cancer that had spider webbed throughout his body and that he didn’t have long to live. My father attempted to leave the hospital twice (he had work to do). Therefore, they sedated him so highly that he could not even form a sentence. With me being here in Australia, I was going mad with worry. During my preparations to go home, I kept getting calls that he was okay, then “Get home now.” It was madness. I also had to figure out how to get home to be there, as well as decide what to do with my girls. Tegan was 6 months old and Holly 2. Bruce (the father & my ex) refused to come with me and also refused to allow me to leave them at home with him. This left me with getting emergency passports for the girls, packing and a very long and arduous plane trip to LAX. 36 hours with two very young children, that did not sleep a wink the whole trip.
I arrived at the airport at 8am, with a car ready for me that I had rented so I could drive directly to the hospital. But upon my arrival, my bother, mother and sister were waiting for me, which was a surprise. They were all smiling, so I didn’t consider anything to be amiss. We said our hellos and David, my bother, said casually; “Dad passed away at 6:45 am.” I honestly thought he was joking and told him so. That’s when both my mother and sister started to cry and I knew the truth was there. My father passed away before I could say goodbye. To this day, this weighs on me and it is difficult to talk about (or write) without tears welling up. I was shattered. I as home for 4 weeks. Spending an enormous amount of my savings, even though I didn’t have to pay for accommodation. I lost my father, my mentor, the person that grounded me, that challenged me and of whom I had the highest respect for. If anyone in the family, cousins included, needed help, they called my dad. Now he was gone. Who would fill that void? May of the family looked to my brother Dean. Not a job he was willing to fill. My cousin Tony stepped up, but not many in the family trusted him. So for some reason, they all looked to me, even though I lived across the ocean. I couldn’t function during this time. But I put on a brave face. Another thing to mention is that my father’s brother, Jerry, passed away four days prior to my father. This was indeed a big blow to the family.
After being with people that loved me, for me, that never criticised, harassed (unless it was jokingly), and never ever fought amongst one another. My brain had been reset to “normal.” When I returned home, I was miserable. I knew the moment I came home that I was living with someone that didn’t care at all about me or my family. I was grieving and had no one to talk to about it. Bruce said to me, “Well, he deserved to die. He should never have started smoking in the first place.” I swear on all that is sacred, that “he” said this. It was horrible. At this time, I began to devise a way to move home and separate from him.
At this time, I began to feel empty. Unsure of what I was supposed to do. I had no drive and I suffered from depression. All in silence. This is also when the abuse from my ex began to get ever more present in my life. I continued with my work and all the chores of a mother, homemaker, cleaner, cook, etc. With no help whatsoever from him. I became very bitter. Along with my silent grief.
- In 2006, “HE” came home in a mood (which was what we called it when you could just feel the air crackle with his disdain from something that happened to him). Both the girls were ill and I hadn’t “properly” cleaned the house to his expectations. “He” was a perfectionist in the house cleaning, but refused to do any of it. We both worked, so it should have been 50/50. But because I worked from home and “he” considered this not a “real job,” “he” felt “he” had the right to do nothing, as well as go to the pub or for surf, without letting me know, in which case dinner often got cold waiting for him. Anyway, “he” came home in a foul mode. Immediately “he” went into our bedroom and started to through my clothes out of the dresser. I had no idea why and “he” wasn’t being very open for discussion. Both girls were witness to this whole debacle. When I retaliated, “he” pushed me against the wall, held me against it with his fist in the air, when Holly (4 years old) screamed, “Daddy, Don’t!” Holly called 000 (911) and the police came and issued an in home AVO. At this point, everything began to get worse and worse. We began to have money problems, due to him refusing to help with groceries or house bills, etc. It was fine for him to go on a surfing holiday, by himself or come home with new clothes or a new surfboard, but “he” never contributed to the needs of the family or the house. “He” wouldn’t even mow the lawn or take out the trash. At this time, I was having horrible back pain and underwent surgery to partially remove a disk from one of my lower vertebrae. The surgery helped for a while, but soon, certain chores became excruciating. Without telling him, I hired someone to help me clean the house once a week and to mow the lawn. On those days, “he” would come home, happy as a kid in a candy shop, because everything was so tidy. I came to pass that I had set an alarm at 2:30pm to alert me that “he” would be home at 3:30, which meant I had to stop working or whatever I was doing to make sure the house was spotless. I didn’t want a repeat of Feb. 2006.
This went on for 2 years. I continued to prosper with my business, my girls thrived, and I even talked him into starting his own business. When this was agreed upon, I took on the responsibility of his accounts and helping with the marketing and all the computer inputting. I assisted with his first contract, which yielded, before expenses and tax. $1.6 million in 7 months. I was paid a small amount for my part of the business, but it allowed me to take a trip home with the girls in 2007, which “he” thought was frivolous. It had been 4 years since I had seen my family. It wasn’t like I was going to the Bahamas and sitting around drinking margaritas. I asked, begged, him to come along, but “he” refused. Instead, when we returned home, “he” went on a surfing holiday by himself. However, when I arrived back home from this trip, I found that “he” had gone through my closet of clothes and the cupboards in the kitchen and had thrown out things that “he” deemed were taking up space and clothes that I could never fit into. I was furious. But for the girls’ sake, I did nothing. I was trapped. By the end of 2007, we were very prosperous, but we were fighting all the time. “He” kept accusing me of stealing money, spending too much on the girls and groceries and hiding the bills. All of which were false, since “he” had control of the bank account.
My depression became so overwhelming, that I began to gain weight. Not a lot, but enough so that “he” had yet another weapon to use against me. “He” often slandered my family. My eldest brother is a Christian and the kindest man alive, but to him, he was a bible thumping Jesus freak. My other brother had taken over my father’s business, but “HE” accused him of being a loser because he hadn’t been married yet. And of my sister, well, Carole is the wild child of the family. Carole survived a VERY hostile relationship, with three children. She was out of a job for a very long time. She also has a weight and drug issue, tends to feed off of charity from the family and a bit of a hoarder. So “HE” began to compare me to her. I am the complete opposite to my sister. Nevertheless, HIS mind was mangled and twisted. And I became scared of his recurring mood swings, which ended up becoming physical.
If we went to the beach with the girls, “HE” refused to sit next to me or go in the water at the same time, to play with the girls, because “he” was so embarrassed to be associated with me. This and all the above played havoc on my loyalties and morals. As well as my wellbeing. I became very depressed, introverted, I had very few friends at this stage, because they kept telling me to leave and I didn’t, so they left me. I was quite alone.
Then one day, during the Spring fair, I had had enough. Things occurred that day that were abhorrent. The police were brought in and “he” was told to sleep somewhere else. A week later, further things ensued, of which scared me, so I packed up as much stuff as I could, called the police and left to live in a motel with the girls. After a week, 1 October 2008, we went to court and “he” was deemed guilty of abuse and harassment and was told and escorted off the property, with the police at the house there to make sure nothing happened.
I felt I had failed as a wife and parent. Nothing was going as I had hoped when at the age of ten; I told my mother that I wanted to be like her and dad. This was the exact opposite and I have yet to separate myself from this person ever since.
Later that month, October 2008, I was told my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. The shock of that put me into such a depression, that I had to call upon my “sister-in-law” to help with the girls. I simple couldn’t function. When I went out or while I was involved with the school PTA, I put on a happy face and no one was the wiser. I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings. By mid November, I booked a ticket and organised for the girls to stay with a friend for a few days. The girls refused to stay with their father, as he scared him and there were no Child custody orders, as he didn’t want to spend the money for that. He still hasn’t.
When I came home 5 days later, I picked up the girls and we began our life without “Dad.” We had our first Christmas without him, which was the best Christmas ever. Usually holidays and birthday were days of torment. We would have a great day, until near the end, “he” would realize that money was spent and “he” would have a fit. Thus ruining every holiday or birthday. This time, it was smooth sailing and no dramas, until “he” came by Christmas day and threw a red bag onto the grass and yelled, “Merry F’ing Christmas.” And screeched away. “he” bought them stickers (for boys) and some silly little dolls from the dollar shop. The girls asked why Dad didn’t give them something like what “he” did in the past, and I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know.” But the truth was, I had always bought the gifts and would put his name on it. One from Mommy. One from Daddy & a few from both. (This was also a bad thing, since he wondered why I spent so much on the girls. I spoilt them. I felt justified, since it was only the four of us and all of our family was in California.
During the beginning of the separation, the emails and text messages I received were horrid. He would come around to the house and scream abuse and I’d have to call the police. He just didn’t understand why “he” was made to leave. “he” didn’t realise “he” was abusive and didn’t remember any of the incidents that occurred. “He” claimed I made it all up.
Unfortunately, in May of 2009, I was told by my back doctor that I needed spinal fusion. I would be in the hospital for at least one week and after that, I wouldn’t be able to drive or do anything that might damage the surgery. I was going to have to wear a steel corset. I planned on having my 15-year-old niece come over from the states to help out. But as it turned out, I was going to need some adult assistance. I had to make “peace” with “him.” Four days prior to him moving back in, with a court order not to harass, intimidate, or damage any of my property, we had a massive argument. But what could I do. I needed someone and he was the only one. Plus he was the father of the children.
I went into surgery on the 9th of July 2009. After a few days there, I received a phone call from my brother. He said the news was not good. He said I needed to make preparations to get home as soon as possible so I could say my goodbyes to my mother. The doctor had given her 2 weeks to live. I knew this was an impossibility, since I had just undergone surgery. My brother said they were going to call the day before the surgery, but knew that I would have cancelled, and he was right. Luckily, God was watching over us, in regards to my mother. She lasted, quite joyously, until the 29th of November 2009. Between the days I was released from the hospital until the day I boarded the plane to get home, were by far the worst and most trying time of my life. With “him” there, he continued to taunt me and call me names. I kept a tape recorder with me at all times, due to the medication, my memory wasn’t so great. I also used it to record my conversations with my mother. While he was with us, he was adamant that he was not going to assist financially or with the chores of the house. Luckily I had the foresight to have my niece flown over. Without her, none of the house chores would have been done, the girls would not have gone to school, and we would have had a difficult time with food, as I couldn’t drive for a month and was not capable of picking up more than 5kg. Heck, I couldn’t even tie my shoes!
On one day in particular, while I was hanging the clothes up on the line, he came out. I had though, in vain, that he might help. Of course this was not to be so. He came out to tell me that if I tried to throw him out that he would sell his share of the house and all his assets, to make sure that I get nothing. He then continued to say that I should be very clear that he did not plan to spend one cent in helping around the house, be it food, maintenance, clothes or anything. He also advised me that he would not be doing the lawn or help in any way shape or form.
Anyway, this period of time was very trying on m patience. Two days before I had to fly home, I had to go to court to make sure he was out of the house prior to me leaving. Otherwise I’m sure I would have come home with none of my things inside and the locks changed. After court sentenced him for brutality, harassment and damage to personal goods, and told him he had until 8pm that evening to get his things out, he came up to me and said, “you’re not the only one with problems with their parents”. He failed to let me know that our children’s ONLY Grandmother in Australia was also dying from cancer. Then he had the audacity and cruelty to say to me, “You know I love your mom and no disrespect to her, but, you are a daughter of a C@*t.” I slapped him so hard, I could feel it all the way down my back. That was the first time he ever insulted me face to face and never since.
I went home, found my mother in bed, hardly lucent. I truly she made every last effort to stay alive until the girls and I got there. She opened her eyes for the first time in 3 days, smiled, and said my name and the girls. Reached out to me and said “I love you.” She fell back to sleep and the following night passed away. My trip was meant to be for five days, of which turned to 5 weeks. This was the beginning of my financial ruin for I had spent all my savings to be there. Not just for my mother’s funeral, but to have Christmas with my family for the first time in 15 years, with my daughters too. It was wonderful, until I got home.
This is now the beginning of something I am sure you will not be happy with. Due to my lengthy stay in the states, all my savings was used up. My bills began to stack up and I did whatever I had to to feed my girls and keep the lights and water running.
Business also took a downturn. In 2009 the company in the USA had been sold and I had not been notified. When I attempted to make an order for stock, I was refused. I worked on a consignment basis. But I typically paid before the shipment even arrived to the port in Sydney.
Again, another financially ruinous event. Without my saving, the loss of revenue from my business and my ex refusing to pay child support, finances became worse and worse. In a matter of 4 moths, I was completely broke with bills so over bearing, along with grieving for my mother and missing my family, my emotional system shut down and I was soon in the hospital with what I thought was a heart attack. After many tests, it turned out to be stress. I had another event a few months later, back into the hospital for the same reason. I became reclusive, I didn’t attend any functions of the school, and I avoided everyone and began to fall deep into a black pit of self-pity and ruin. For the last 5 years I have attempted many things to get myself out of this debilitating state. I went to every church around the area, at least twice, just to find one that I felt I belonged to. I attended counselling for Domestic Violence, Childcare, Financial clean up, you name it, I did it. On the outside I seemed fine. I have always had the gift to look happy and act as if all is well. I didn’t want anyone to know my secrets or my pain, as it was already too much for me. I began to avoid phone calls, because I was worried it would be a creditor after money I didn’t have. I took some calls, which I knew were for business, but had to tell them there wasn’t any stock, which was a vain hit to my pride of what I worked so hard to build. The bills kept stacking up and up and up.
In 2012, when Holly was in 7th grade, she made a very disturbing video that suggested she wanted to commit suicide. I cannot tell you the amount of pain this caused me and the dread that she might do it. When I confronted her, very gently, she assured me that she would “never suicide,” as she calls it. Nevertheless, I was still very concerned. Holly was being bullied. So much so, that she did not want to go to school. I had to get up and out of my depression and be strong for her. I do believe her incident forced me to find my own light. Unfortunately, the girls that we the perpetrators had been the same girls she had known since kindergarten. In addition, I was close friends with their mothers, or so I thought. After a few more incidents and these girls ended up being called into the principal’s office, the mothers of these girls all turned on me and one sent me an email that I was never to contact her in any way shape or form. She lives four houses up from me. This loss was extremely devastating. It is the reason I am so alone now. I do not trust anyone, except my family.
As I mentioned, I may partially own a house that is worth 1.2million, however, my ex will not allow me to sell. IF I were able, I would sell in a heartbeat, pay everything off, and move home. End of a horrid experience in Australia, except my two awesome girls. However, prior to finding out that Holly was going to need back surgery for her scoliosis, I began getting things in order to force my ex him to sell, which would have allowed me to pay off all my bills and have plenty left over to move home to California, buy a house and car and get a job (of which I have already a few great prospects. That was the plan. Now that Holly’s surgery on her back is imminent, I am stuck in this house for at least another 18 to 24 months. With even further bad news of the company in the USA wanting to leave Australia, I am now left unemployed, with a hefty car payment and bills that are horrifically high and not even two coins to rub together. Hence my comment that I would have to sell my car for a ticket to Malaysia.
Lastly, if I mentioned this before, my apologies, I am not as fit as I wish I was. Two years ago, I became very ill and with medication and the depression, I do not exercise as much as I should. I also have not had the motivation to do so, except to take my dog for a walk. To be very honest, I love going to the gym and building up a sweat. However, financially, I have not been able to afford such luxuries. However, if I knew there was a man out there looking for me, I would have found a way and done things old school at home. But to tell you the truth, I had envisioned myself as being single for the rest of my days. I eat healthy, I don’t drink or smoke. I just haven’t been motivated, until recently to “get up and go.” You said in our last conversation that I’m Beautiful and I have a great body. These are attributes that you have not seen in real life. This also causes me to be fearful that I will be rejected if I do ever meet you.
Again, why do I tell you this, you may wonder? We agree that honesty is the best policy. I have told you that I value my integrity very much. It would be very false of me to not divulge these truths to you. I would feel as if I am using you. Also, I do not wish to have your pity or have worry nor would I ask you for assistance in something of my own doing. This is something I must manage myself. I am very independent and have never asked for a loan, nor will I ever do so. Not even as much as $20.00 As I feel money can become a horrible obstacle between family and friends.
I am not a gold digger, nor will I sell out my integrity just to have a man of your stature. If I were to accept anything further from you, I would feel I was using you and perhaps you might feel the same, when you came to find out the bare facts about me. Because of my insecurities, I feel I am beneath you and that you deserve better than a wretch like me. I am also afraid, that after all that I have written, you will also feel that I am not worthing of you and that I would be a burden, instead of someone that would lift you up.
However, if you are accepting of these facts and wish to continue, please be understanding if I say to you, “I might have to sell the car to buy tickets”, which is a polite way to avoid being embarrassed that I’m flat broke and in debt.
Please know that this part of my life (my health, finances, etc.) is a major concern for me and I do not want you to think I began a conversation with you for any other reason than getting to know you. I saw your kind face, read your lovely words and heard your lulling voice and accent, as well as your kindness. All of that and more, you won me over. I truly wish I could begin a life with a man such as you.
7yearglitchetc 